Revs vs. Joe Public – by myself

Okay, so Jeff is out of town and the CONCACAF Champions League starts tonight, which means I amwatching by myself. Well, I am watching the game and Jeff’s dog Chompers (a teacup chihuahua with gigantism). So to keep everyone informed, I’ve decided to go ahead an blog the game. Here goes.

Get to Jeff’s and realize the TiVo wasn’t set. Crap. Not an auspicious start.

13th Minute: Finally find the game. Seems like I haven’t missed much.

13.5: Maybe I should look up the starting line-ups? Decide that no, I can figure it out as the game goes on.

13.75: Realize the JP players don’t have names on their jerseys – makes figuring out who’s who more difficult.

14: See that Jeff’s computer is gone; so I can’t look up the line-ups if I want to.

14.5: Decide I need a piece of cake.

15.5: Need a drink. Be right back.

16.5: Didn’t miss anything.

22: It is really quiet in the stadium. So quiet I can hear the coaches and players on the field yelling. Not like you hear with HiDef, but like you hear at a reserves game. And there is a lovely parking lot in the background.

23: Announcers call NE “bridesmaids” since they haven’t won a MLS cup. I thought it was funny. Chompers did too.

24: Lots of water being flung around. Guys tipping heads back and letting water run down their fronts. I approve and support water breaks like this.

24.5: JP just put the ball back in play with lots of NE players still getting watered down. Seems a little shady.

25: Here I’ve been thinking the game has been a little slow, but the announcers just informed me that I missed a lot of JP scoring opportunities early in the game. Stupid TiVo.

26: Wells Thompson comes on for Ralston who is having back spasms. And Thompson promptly gets a yellow card.  Kinda like, “Hey, in case you missed it, I came on the field.” But in a really forceful way.

35: Someone from JP pushes down Twellman (sigh) at the top of the box, creating a dangerous free kick situation. I can clearly hear the JP keeper Figueroa moving players around (at least I think that’s what he’s doing, I don’t speak the language). Larentowicz takes it, Figueroa knocks it away.

41: Lots of talk about finding a rhythm. I hope they don’t mean people should use the rhythm method. That clearly doesn’t work well.

44: Keep talking about a JP player named Richardson. No clue which one that is since there are no names on the jerseys, but seems like he must be good. MLS prospect?

45+: Camera man is now shooting images of another camera man who is taping the “crowd.” I think we are all a little bored about now.

Half-time: I assert my mental and physical dominance over Chompers during a rousing game of tug-of-war. He didn’t stand a chance.

46: Lots of face time on Shalrie Joseph. I approve. He’s beautiful. Though I would prefer shorter hair.

49: Depth perception screws me up again. Looked like JP had a goal, but it really just hit the side netting.

51: JP GOAL!!!! For real this time! The 10 people in the crown went wild!

52: Lots of bad hair playing for JP. Shalrie’s is way better. Though it could still be shorter…

55: Another yellow card for some JP player who’s name I still can’t figure out sets up another dangerous free kick for NE – and they get nothing.

61: Announcers agree that Richardson should come on up to the MLS. It’s like they can read my mind.

65: NE avoids getting scored on.

67: Announcer says that NE gets a “second bite of the cherry.” I can infer what that means, but still wonder if it is like a “born again virgin.”

69: JP substitution: Gay in for Nelson.

70: JP GOAL!!! Gay on the assist. So when Thompson comes on for NE, he gets a yellow. Gay comes on for JP, he gets an assist. Story of the night.

73: Good butt shot of the sideline official signaling an offsides. 

74: Mitchell (JP) gets a yellow for a bad foul on Shalrie in the box = PK. Briefly consider flying down and giving a stern talking to Mitchell, but realize I’m tired. Maybe next time.

74.5: Shalrie taking a while to get up. Replay shows a nasty bend on the left ankle. Reconsidering that stern talking to Mitchell.

74.75: Castro takes the PK, and scores!!!!

74.85: Small battle over the ball between Castro and Figueroa. Figueroa wins.

78: Gay gets yellow. Does that mean that Thompson is due to score now?

83: Lots of substitutions happened. I even traded between toys I am throwing for Chompers.

88: Yellow for Parkhurst and free kick for JP in dangerous spot. Nothing.

Game: JP 2, NE 1. Final winner for a spot in Group C will be determined by aggregate goals. So while NE “lost” tonight, there is still the home leg in NE. I’m expecting better play and more of a crowd.

Dane Richards Shares the Love

Dane Richards scores against the Houston Dynamo on Saturday, and then what does he do? A celebration dance? Jumps on the back, or the front, of a teammate? Pulls his shirt over his head, revealing ripped abs? No. He gives two high fives to teammates, mainly so he doesn’t leave them hanging, then runs over to the side to hug…the waterboy (really more like waterman, but you get the point). Way to share the love and celebrate with those that keep you from collapsing of dehydration. So my new career (since stretching DeRosario is looking like it might not work out) will be watergirl. Bring on the hugs.

Sierra Mist GOW Thoughts – no Dynamo =(

So there was the lovely Dynamo 4-0 win against Chivas on Wednesday, followed by the ugly 3-0 defeat against the Red Bulls on Saturday. And Jeff and I have both had to work really hard the past week – so few posts. In short, the week started out good and ended crappy. So to cheer myself up, I decided to watch the Sierra Mist Goal of the Week nominees and vote, even though no Dynamo made the cut. See, I can support other players from other teams…

Soccer Overload

There is just so much soccer tonight!  I’m in overload.  I thought I would maybe post about Clavijo leaving the Rapids, but quite frankly, my thought is “eh.” I’m not sure there was anyone supporting him staying; so he’s leaving. Eh.

Then there is the US MNT beating Guatemala in Guatemala in a World Cup Qualifier. Yay!

Then I was at the game watching the Dynamo wipe the floor with Chivas. I actually felt sorry for Chivas; it was that ugly. With so many injuries (I think 11 players were on the injury list), plus Klejstan out with the US, there just wasn’t much to be done. Preki only used one sub for injury purposes because frankly, there was no one on the bench. By no one, I mean no one healthy (Ante Razov was on the bench, and I don’t consider him a “no one”). If you really love the Dynamo (and who wouldn’t), or really hate Chivas (why?), then you might want to watch this game on TiVo if you missed it live.

Then there were like 80 (exaggerating, but not by much…) other World Cup qualifiers today. So I’m in OVERLOAD. A wonderful overload to be in, but overload nonetheless.

Kevin Hartman Writes Children’s Books

For real. I always wondered what players did in their off time.  It seems Hartman, goalkeeper of the Kansas City Wizards, wrote a children’s book about, well, goalkeeping. Or rather a farm cat becoming a goalkeeper, but you get the point. The book is “Boots Saves the Day,” (kinda cute play on words) and can be purchased online.  Hartman even gives readings (evidently has done two so far).  I wonder if he got any tips from Bruce Arena before he moved on to his new job about speaking in public. Even now if I have trouble sleeping, I just play a little Arena commentating from a Wizards game and I’m out in 5 minutes.

 

Kevin Hartman at a recent book signing. The kids look...um...we'll say enthralled. Kinda.

Sierra Mist GOW Thoughts

Another wonderful week of soccer has past, and now we should vote on the Sierra Mist Goal of the Week.  To help those of you who will never watch all videos, I think you should vote for Ricardo Clark.  I’m going to claim that it is just a coincidence that he happens to play for the Dynamo. But here are my thoughts on all of them.

Brian Carroll (Columbus Crew): nod for first goal in this MLS season, but that’s about it.

Jeff Cunningham (FC Dallas): nod for 100th MLS goal, but then he clumsily falls on the goalkeeper.

Ronnie O’Brien (San Jose Earthquakes): One touch over Matt Reis (who I feel is just behind, in my non-biased judgement, the best damn goalkeeper in the league, Pat Onstad) – so not bad

Ricardo Clark (Houston Dynamo): Beautiful. First of the season. 25 yards out (actually remember being at the game and thinking, what the hell is he doing from way out here…oh…scoring a goal).

Mike Magee (New York Red Bulls): Beats defender in foot race to the ball (good), but not a super exciting shot (no need since he beat the defenders).

Beckham Down on Knives

According to the BBC, Beckham an other British “footballers” have launched a campaign to decrease knife-related crimes in the UK called It Doesn’t Have to Happen.  Guns have been outlawed; now strides are being made against knives.  I like it.

Stretching Dwayne De Rosario (new career?)

 

Dynamo vs Atlante, originally uploaded by William Holtkamp.

At the Dynamo games, Jeff and I think about what we could do to help the team. I feel like I could help them stretch. Really, just for their benefit. And if their shorts slide down a bit and I get flashed, well, I’ll just have to accept that as part of the job.

Dynamo Reserves topple Salt Lake 4-1

Avenging a previous defeat by the RSL Reserve squad, the Houston Dynamo Reserves beat Salt Lake 4-1 with goals scored by Brown, Wondolowski, and Kpene. It was a hot day, but the Dynamo were hotter. Game shots below.
You heard and saw it here first!

Dynamo win, 4-3

Here’s an excellent recap of last night’s Dynamo victory over RSL from the front office over at Forever Orange.

The Conclusion: Feilhaber to Denmark

Well, it’s over…now we know: Benny has signed with Aarhus Denmark.

Feilhaber Update

Is Benny Denmark-bound? We told you earlier today about reports that Benny Feilhaber was in talks with MLS because he wanted to come back stateside to play, which was contrary to previous reports that Feilhaber was being thoroughly looked over by Aarhus Denmark.

Well, it now appears that the Danish option is proceeding, full-speed ahead and the deal may be complete in just a few hours.

New: Follow NHB On The Go!

What’s that birdsong you hear? It’s NoHandsBall, now also available on your mobile device via Twitter.

Now there’s several great ways you can stay up-to-date with the latest from NoHandsBall:

On the web: https://nohandsball.wordpress.com

Via RSS/Atom feed: https://nohandsball.wordpress.com/feed

Via Text Message, IM or Twitter: http://twitter.com/nohandsball

On the mobile web: http://m.twitter.com/nohandsball

World Cup Qual Roster [Updated]

USA Roster Announced:

The 17-man roster, including four Olympians, for Wednesday’s World Cup qualifier at Guatemala (10 p.m. ET, ESPN2, Galavision): [FYI, an 18th player will be added in the next few days.]

GOALKEEPERS: Tim Howard, Brad Guzan.

DEFENDERS: Steve Cherundolo, Oguchi Onyewu, Carlos Bocanegra, Heath Pearce, Frankie Hejduk, Jay DeMerit.

MIDFIELDERS: Michael Bradley, Maurice Edu, Sacha Kljestan, Pablo Mastroeni, Eddie Lewis.

FORWARDS: Landon Donovan, Eddie Johnson, Brian Ching, Clint Dempsey.

Jeff’s take:

Surprisingly missing: Kenny Cooper

Mistakenly present: Brian Ching (I love the Dynamo therefore I love Ching, but he doesn’t need to be on this roster; I would have brought Kenny, or long list of other people first).

Additional Coverage

Feilhaber Coming Home?

An all out Benny Feilhaber love-fest has broken out here at NHB, and so I’m sure news from the incredibly well-sourced Soccer By Ives that soccer powerhouse and hottie is in talks with MLS and may soon be returning will be met with much adulation by our readers.

Feilhaber in talks with MLS, could wind up with Revs:

Photo by ISIphotos.com

Details below.